Today I Am All About Myself…

meWhy are you so angry with me? Why are you beating me with your harsh words and thoughts? I made a mistake, I know. I am not perfect. I am trying to be, I am trying to have this smile of mine you love so much, but at times like this when I feel heavy, everything around me feels heavy and all I need is your support and love. When you see me like this hug me please, caress my hair, remind me how precious I am to you and that you will stand by my side no matter what. Tell me you love me, show me you love me. My grumpiness, my tears, my moan and my at times unreasonable complains are just a cry for love. When I am like this please do not judge me, do not criticise, do not get annoyed or irritated, but just hug me and let me lean on your shoulder and cry in my own way.

You know how I feel right now…after I had to say goodbye to the one I care about? I feel empty. I lack love and kindness to myself. I say words that might hurt you. I am sorry. I might say sorry tomorrow after I feel lighter and better, but today I will be too blind and too deaf to look into your case, into your feelings, into your wants and needs. Today I am all about myself. I am sorry. I am aware but I feel to be powerless to change it as my sorrow has taken me whole, the fear runs the house of my soul, and so there is no mercy.

I am surprised you are still here by my side after all I have said and done to rid myself of pain and sharing it with you regardless you asked for it or not. I am surprised you are still here….by my side. I do not love myself right now and you still do. How come? Where do you find space for it? Can you show it to me? Can you tell me how to go back to myself where peace and truth prevails? I am lost in the labyrinths of my emotions. I am like a bird crying to be released. I am crying from within, you cannot see my tears but you can see that there is something wrong with me. I am not laughing as usual, my smile seems to be painful, my movements are slow and heavy, my eyes seem to be covered in dusts, and it seems I am here with you, I look at you but I am not here…

I am sorry but today I am all about myself. There is not much space left for you, but please don’t leave, stay… I promise the dust will pass and my vision will become cleared, and once again I will be here laughing and smiling effortlessly as I used to. Just give me a bit more time and I promise the day will come when I will be here for you, I will be here by your side with my shoulder ready to carry you. And I will not judge you, I will not get angry with you, I will not even try to pull you up until you grieved your pains and aches. I will be here with you loving you when you will find no strength to love yourself. On that day, that moment I will love you even more and that love will be enough for both of us. Please stay; don’t go away. I will be fine in a little while, but right now I am all about myself.

Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2014
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