In Sep 2013, Jolita Kelias’s story DO NOTHING has been short listed for the 3rd Eyelands International Short Story contest. The short list means that Jolita has already won her participation in the edition of the book “Stories of Dreams and Escape,” which will be released in November (from Strange Days Books publications in collaboration with Eyelands), the certificate and a free copy of the anthology.
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It was raining again. Rain drops were streaming down her car windows as strong as her tears rolling down her cheeks. She felt she reached the end line… No matter what she did or where she turned, nothing seemed to work. It seemed as if she was banging her head against a brick wall, and all she got back was a never ending headache. She tried praying but even that lacked livelihood, hope… She felt disconnected from her own soul. It was as if she was dying from within. There was only one more question that kept repeating itself in her head as if a stuck radio, “What else could I do?” She has been desperately asking this question for a few months by now. “What else?! What else?!”
She laid her head on the steering wheel and sobbed hysterically. The same question kept going through her mind over and over again, “What else could I do?” There was no answer… She felt as if she was failing in every way. She could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. She tried, she tried hard, but the light she hoped for seemed to never come alive.
She had an excellent work experience. A variety of things she could do was almost endless, and yet none of it gave her a job no matter how hard she looked for it. She knocked and banged on many doors and yet they all stayed shut. No one seemed to want her and whatever that she had to offer. No one seemed to need her. No one seemed to notice her… By this very day she had just a few pennies left in her wallet and the monthly payment for her rent was due by tomorrow morning. What will she do now, she wondered? Where will she go once left on the street? How will she explain herself to others who saw her as the one who always had solutions to everything? How was she going to explain herself to herself – the one that had so much belief in the things she had to offer and be? How will she live from now on? How?..
She was freshly divorced, had no savings, no proper income for months, no home of her own, no nothing. She had friends but they had their own lives to live and they did help her as much as they could, however she could not allow herself to go and ask for more help. She felt she had already exceeded the limit. She felt like a beggar. She did not feel she could longer speak to God either. She did not feel he heard her. She did not feel being heard by anyone. She felt so alone, so lonely, absolutely abandoned.
“Do nothing.” She heard a man’s voice speaking to her.
She abruptly lifted her head. She heard a man’s voice speaking to her. She turned around, looked through her car windows and mirrors. There was no one. The only sound she could hear was the sound of rain harshly streaming down her car. She thought she was most likely rambling, after all she was far to exhausted to think straight anyway. She slowly leaned on the staring wheel once more but the sobbing stopped…at least for now.
“I have to do something”, she replied kind of hoping someone will hear her. “I do not know what, but…something.”
“Do nothing,” she heard the same voice speaking once more.
This time she jumped in her seat and once more looked around, but there was no one. She suddenly exploded:
“You have done more than enough. You spread around the seeds of your intentions and endless efforts; you nourished the ground and watered it with your hard work. It did not go unnoticed. Now stand back and…do nothing.”
“You mean I have to stop trying to stand up on my feet and just let go?” She enquired in an absolute disbelief.
“Yes.” The voice answered. “You have been doing things that did not resonate with your soul’s calling, and that’s why you feel stuck. Don’t you see, it is not your path!”
“But who will pay my bills, who will put food on my table, who will keep my livelihood if I just stop trying?” She could not comprehend this ‘do nothing’ matter.
“You will, as you have done it for the past thirty years,” the voice answered.
“Me?!” She started laughing hysterically. “Me?! Are you kidding me? Are you blind or what? I have got just a few pennies left in my wallet that cannot buy me even a cup of tea, and then you come to me and say that I will provide for myself by doing nothing?”
She laughed and her laughter quickly turned into frustration and anger. She began screaming: “Who the hell are you?! Am I going crazy? Am I talking to myself?”
“No, you are not crazy. You are tired. You are lost. I am here to let you know you are not alone and you are being heard.”
“Who are you?” She enquired in desperation.
The answer did not come. She did not seem to be bothered by this anyway.
“If I don’t pay my rent by tomorrow morning, I will be out on the street.” Then she paused for a moment, she tried to think but her head was blank like a white paper. Then she continued in a sarcastic manner, “Oh, yes, you are right. The street will become my home; pieces of food that I will hopefully find in some of the rubbish bins will become my dinner. And, of course, begging for money will become my daily income. Is that what you mean? Is that why you are here so to prepare me for this?!”
“You have a very wild imagination, I must say,” the voice said.
She opened her mouth ready to backfire at him, but the voice carried on without letting her to speak any further: “You called for me. You desperately repeated the same question over and over again ‘what else could I do?’, and so I heard you, but… Do you hear me? Now it is time for you to do what you love most, my sweetest soul, and to do nothing about what does not resonate with your inner-calling.”
“Do nothing,” she slowly repeated.
“Correct.” The voice agreed and then gently continued, “Go home and rest. Sleep. Rest with the intention that you will sleep for as long as you want without feeling the need to get up and Do Something. Sleep in the knowing that you are being cared for, looked after and that the sown seeds of yours are growing and soon they will be feeding you, clothing you, housing you and keeping you warm and safe. Go in the knowing that I am by your side and I hear you.”
She did not say a word. For the first time in a long time she felt calm. She slowly turned the car key and the car engine went on.
“My beautiful you, you have wandered so far away from your little soul and gotten lost in the labyrinths of your own mind. No matter how dark the world might seem to you now, there is always a way out and you know it. At present things seem to you as if falling apart, but if you tried looking at it from the different angle with more concentration, you would hopefully notice that for the first time in your life they are actually coming all together into one perfect picture. There is nothing for you to fear. I am here gently guiding you, protecting you, unfolding the inner wisdom of your precious soul, loving you, healing you and carefully carrying you in my arms. Do nothing. You have already done more than enough. Now just let go for your own sake and allow the heaven to work its magic for you, allow the seeds to grow so that when time comes they could nourish you. Do nothing. You have already done enough.”
The closer she got towards her house, the quieter voice became. It transformed into a silent whisper. She listened to it intently so as not to miss a single word. It was soothing and calming. She felt calm.
“Stop pretending someone you are not. Stop explaining yourself to others. Stop feeling the need to please others, instead begin pleasing yourself. Stop blaming yourself. There is nothing to be guilty of. What a waste of time and energy! Stop trying to fulfil other people’s expectations of you. Stop lying to yourself. Stop allowing others to direct your life. Go and do what you love most. Go and be that little girl who had such a profound faith in the endless possibilities of life. Engulf yourself in the joys of it all. There is nothing to fear. You have nothing to lose, my darling. Look how beautiful your dreams are! You have so little time.”
Yes, she had nothing to lose. The rock bottom has been already reached and now she had just two choices: either to continue living a joyless life or to dare going into uncharted waters in hopes of discovering the life she dreamt of living. She felt so tired. Even if the world around her was about to collapse, she knew she did everything she could to pull it all together, and after all her efforts perhaps the only thing she could truly do right now was to do nothing. She has wandered so far from the things that truly gave her joy. She has forgotten what it meant to look to the world through the eyes of a child, how to enjoy the little rays of sunshine, how to play in the rain, how to trust herself and…life. She has wandered into the woods of darkness forgetting who she truly was. Deep inside of her she knew she did not come here to be a nowadays slave living from paycheque to paycheque so as to serve a minority of rich and wealthy. She came here to enjoy living life to its fullest. Suddenly she felt determined. She will find a way out of this misery, for now she knew she was not alone. She will not be afraid to say “I need help. Please help me.” Now she will dare to speak clearly and loud enough about the difficulties that she faced in order to survive and the things that she needed so as to do the things that her soul was calling her for. She will not hesitate any more. Suddenly she regained confidence in herself. Honesty… That’s what she desired now more than anything else. No more pretending, no more lies, no more acting. For far too long she believed herself to be a failure, but now she knew she was not that. She is not afraid. She is brave. She is a soul in a human body trying to wake herself up. She woke up.
“You are finally listening to me,” the voice seemed to smile. “It was so worth the wait! Now you are ready to be you. Now you are ready to follow the bliss of your inner-self. Now you have at long last heard your soul speaking to you. Now you are on the journey of rebirth. Welcome to the true living. Welcome to Life.”
Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2013
All Rights Reserved