Your heart speaking…

“I feel so down on myself.”

She sat alone by the window looking into the horizon of the city where all she saw was some bleak stars and the roofs of her neighbours’ houses whom she did not know, even though she lived in that same area for number of years. At times she felt so lonely living among so many people, who seemed so foreign, so unknown, so distant to her… You would think that living among many people you should feel as if you belong to one big family, however all goes opposite. She has never felt as lonely as since she left her homeland…years and years ago.

She herself felt distant and disconnected from her routes. But was there a way back to the life once she used to live knowing that she is not the same as she used to be. She has grown. She has experienced life with its ups and downs. She has encountered some glimpses of happiness and glimpses of sorrow, disappointment, shortage of love from others and the most importantly from herself. She was aware that others saw her as a very strong person, and just a few – very few – knew how she truly was. But again, did they really know or did they just say they knew? Now she was alone in her room, looking through her bedroom window. The sky was covered in stars with the full moon keeping them a company. It was a cold night. The tears were rolling down her face and yet not a single muscle moved. That’s how she cried, always did. Even to herself she felt she had to prove she was a strong woman, strong enough to hold it all together…by herself.

“My little heart, I feel so lonely, so alone, so helpless.”

“Why?” her heart enquired.

“I do not love myself today…or perhaps every day.”

“Why?” her heart repeated the same question.

There was no answer coming. The tears kept rolling down and falling on her hands, her knees, her shoulders. A river of tears has opened up and now nothing was able to stop it.

“Are you lacking something?” the heart enquired gently.

“Yes,” she replied quietly. “I lack love, my little heart.”

“Do you love yourself?”

“No. Not today…” the woman shook her head.

“Why?” the heart enquired again. “Talk with me please. Together we might find the answers to your heartache, my sweetness.”

The woman sobbed for the moment unable to say a word. Now every muscle of her face moved, shoulders shivered and it seemed that her painful cry was never to end.

Her heart smiled and gently touched her cheeks, her eyelids, kissed her lips… “Thank you for diving down into my world and finding me here and daring to talk to me. I have been waiting for you for a very long time. If the pain is the only tool bringing us closer together, then so be it. Thank you for aching, my little one.”

The silence prevailed for the moment.

“We fail when we are hard on ourselves. We fail when we lack kindness to ourselves. We fail when we experience a shortage of love for ourselves,” the heart spoke lovingly.

“That’s true… I am a failure,” the woman nodded in agreement. Now her crying was less.

“Who did tell you that you were a failure?”

“Me,” she answered.

“Do you really think you are a right source for the answers like this?”

The woman lifted her head in surprise. She did not expect to receive a thought like this.

“Who can know me better than me?” she enquired her heart.

The heart kept her silence giving space and time for the woman to consider the question in more depth.

“Who can know me better than me? Who can feel what I feel? Who can see my failures in life clearer than me?”

“You… However, at times you can miss some bits about yourself, especially during the moments when you feel down. You tend to be so critical towards yourself that you miss to see the magnificence and beauty of your little-big soul, my little one,” her heart spoke softly.

“I knew you will say something like this, that’s why I avoid coming to you, my sweet heart,” woman seemed discontented. “I knew you will do anything to uplift me instead of just seeing the truth about me.”

“And beating you up?”

This time she had no answer.

“And what is the truth? I mean the real truth. Not a lie, not a speculation, not an assumption, not a judgement, not a criticism, but truth as raw as it can be? What is your truth?” the heart enquired firmly.

The woman thought for a moment and then spoke: “I am not happy with myself – either I am truly expecting too much of me or I am incapable of doing anything right to begin with.”

“Is that really so?”

“When I have a monologue with myself, it seems like this, but if I listen to what you have to say about me, you make me feel so special that when I look back at my flaws and mishaps I rush to wonder how come you still love me so much. Am I enough to you?”

She stopped for the moment, took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She closed her eyes and tried to feel every beat of her little heart that was living there for her and with her.

“Tell me please how do you manage to hold everything so well together? You have your duties to fulfil, plus to carry me and my emotions, then you are always eager and open to talk with me, to hear me, to listen to me, and to add to all this you always have a loving, kind word for me. Your love is never ending. You are always here for me. At times I tend to poison you with my negatives thoughts, ignore your whispers; I literally abandon you by refusing to believe in your wisdom. Tell me please where all this profound love is streaming from, my darling heart?” the woman wondered tenderly.

Suddenly she felt how her heart exploded in everlasting love. It was an overwhelming feeling. Her heart’s emotions suddenly streamed out into open. It screamed in joy and gratitude, it cried and sobbed, it moaned and laughed, it loved, it adored her woman.

“I hold everything strongly together because of you, my little woman. You are more than enough! Without you I could not be here and experience life as you do. Without your agreement and choice to live, make mistakes, weep, rejoice, ache, I would never knew what life in a physical reality really was. If not you, I would never realise myself. Yes, I hold wisdom, I hold all the knowing and I hold you, but as much as you are holding me. We are one. I depend on you and you depend on me. I am here for you. Please lean on me, talk to me, moan, celebrate… Please trust me, have faith in me,” her heart spoke in exultation. “How can you say you are a failure if you and me are one? How can you feel alone if I am here for you with you? How can you think you have been abandoned? I could never do that to you, I could never do that to myself.”

The woman listened. She felt it was not the right time to interrupt. The stream of unknown feelings streamed out of her being. Her mind became clear and bright, the clouds of self-pity and decadence disappeared. For a very long time she felt deprived of peace, but now she was experiencing a blissful moment. She listened to her heart speaking and this time she heard it for the first time in a long time.

“Thank you for hearing me,” the heart gently embraced her in its hands full of love and tenderness. “You feel down on yourself because you expect yourself to be perfect. But perfect by what means, who needs that, what perfection is if you are already perfect? You demand yourself to be flawless as if the rest of the world is the same and if you do not succeed according to your judgement, which greatly has been influenced by the outside world, you suddenly feel down on yourself, and then you kick yourself hard, you shout, you hate, you are angry, you cry and then you wish for the end as if the end is the only answer and saviour to your self-inflicted sorrow. I am here. I am alive because of you. You are alive because of me. I want to live…through you for you. No one can make you be a failure until you decide so yourself. To me you are perfect just as you are. I don’t want another you. I want you just as you are. Yes, when you dive into my stream looking to talk to me, in some way you already know what I might say, but again…do you really know until the time comes and you truly experience me? How can you judge my power of love for you if you yourself so often lack love for yourself, my darling? You don’t love yourself because some part of you got lost in the labyrinths of the outer world, got engulfed in its net of the pointless worries, stopped being and doing things that truly reflect you. You stopped expressing yourself… And why is that? Where did you get the thought that by forgetting yourself you will find the door leading towards peace?”

“Inner-peace,” the woman whispered.

“Inner-peace,” her heart nodded in agreement. “When you are doubtful of something, stay still, quiet your mind and wait to hear me. I will speak, I will surely do and if you listen you will hear me, you will feel me, you will see me. I will act through you, I will speak through you and I will touch the edges of your worries with the tenderness and love. But…this will only be possible if you open the door for me into the outer world, so I could do my part and then silently move back into my abode until the moment comes again and you call me back. And yet, if you allow me, I can live through you, I can walk the same path with you not only sometimes, but always if you just keep the door open. I am love and I act from the place of love. Sometimes all you have to ask is – what would love do now? and there you will find your answer.”

“What would love do now?” she asked.

“What would love do now, my little one?” her heart replied.

Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2013
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