I walked my walk, I walked my talk, I walked and succeeded, and then suddenly I stopped. I became afraid to become great. I became afraid of the standard I set for myself and of the outer world openly and willingly embracing all that I was. I suddenly succumbed to my own fear of possibly disappointing others and forgetting what I was and my purpose. I became afraid the world will reject me and I will fail if I don’t meet the standard I set for myself, and so slowly and quietly I began sabotaging my own success. I sabotaged it with endless excuses not to do things or why certain things could not be achieved and, of course, were not achieved. I always blamed the outer circumstance for my stagnation and failures rather than admitting to myself that I was my own worst enemy. Yes, I was my own worst enemy guiding myself to delusion and failure. Well done to me!
There were times when I bravely embraced challenges and obstacles and began gaining acceptance and success in the work I did and the person I was transforming into, but then I got afraid and I called it tired. I became tired to serve my highest calling! That was a very good excuse that I gave to myself for not doing things, didn’t I?! Instead of focusing on the things that truly mattered to me, I enrolled myself into useless relationships with people that cared little about me, I loved people who couldn’t care less about me, I gave my time and attention to people who didn’t ask for it and who didn’t need it. It was my way of running away from my Self. I acted as a silent victim unlucky in love, unlucky in money matters, unlucky in everything, unlucky in life. Why? Because I turned away from the path that truly mattered to me. What did matter to me, you may ask? Me, you, the world, – I would answer.
I spoke about the things that I have accomplished but I had nothing to tell or to show when it came to the present moment, because there was nothing to tell and nothing to show. I did not do anything; I just procrastinated due to tiredness….of my self.
I quietly blamed everything and everyone for my silence, for my stagnation, for my stoppage, except myself. I did everything to distract myself from my calling, to silence that noisy inner voice of mine that kept reminding me of who I was and what I was capable of and my purpose, but a fearful me could not see it, because she was tired of banging her head onto the brick wall, or at least that’s what she thought she was doing. But again that was sham nonsense. The world heard her, the world wanted to hear her and the world was willing to give her a chance, and…the world gave her the chance. What did she do with it? She got afraid instead.
So therefore, I am writing these words of mine as I feel a great need to tell it all, to let it out, so I could look fear in the face and say – I am not afraid any more, I am strong and I am ready. Where shall I begin? Good question, and the only answer I currently hold is here – here and now.
Greatness is not given, it is earned. Nothing worth celebrating in life is easy. I am going to need to work the way I used to, just this time more and harder and more dedicated than ever before, because deep down I know I was destined to leave something great after myself. The fact you are reading my words gives me chills. I know, some part of my story might resonate with you too, because, you see, I am as much of the human as you are and I am as much worthy of goodness as you are and yet I have fears, doubts, insecurities, I question things, I procrastinate, I ache and once I am short of breath, I finally open my mouth and inhale so as to keep living. There is nothing different about you or me, except one thing – the decisions we make. My decision is now to go back to the point where I stopped being me and kick-start with the bang. My decision is to move forward and continue sharing my inspiration with you. Where or what will that lead me to? Only time will tell.
The most motivational speeches I have ever heard were from people who told me I could not do something or I could not achieve my goal or I could not be great. And that was what kicked me into action to begin with, into wanting to prove them wrong and tell a totally different story. So many times I heard those motivational speeches, so many different people told me the same over and over again just in different words, and in so many ways life tried to put me to sleep, and yet that small and yet incredibly loud inner voice of mine told me a totally different story: it told me I could be great, it told me I could make dreams reality, it told me I could make that one extra step, it told me I could walk that mile and another one and another one… And you know it never gave up on me. It did get frustrated, it did get quiet and loud, quiet and loud, quiet and loud but it never stopped making that extra effort to wake me up from my own inflicted deep sleep or, in other words, self-induced coma. My own inner voice each and every day kept doing its best to wake me up, and remind me of my soul’s calling, of my purpose, of things that I dreamt when I was little and the things that I made happen and the things that I have accomplished so far and the things that yet need to be worked on. Finally I heard that voice as I could not bear its nagging, begging, thundering any longer. I could not bear that never ending unhappiness and disappointment within myself. I woke up to the truth of my inner voice, to the belief of possible greatness, to willingness to work hard, to play hard and to celebrate when time comes, and yet…never stop making that extra step forward.
I remember there was a time I travelled the world, I made things happen, I published my work and made friendships with the people of the world around the world. And now none of this was happening. Why? How could anyone want to embrace me if I myself was incapable of embracing myself?! I kept getting messages, emails, phone-calls, visits from people that had a great belief in me asking where my writing has disappeared, why I became silent, where my inspirational work has gone which they missed so so much? And I had no answers, I just hid behind my shell in hopes of not being found or touched or questioned any more. I got scared of my own possible greatness! I got scared of success! Bizarre, but true.
One day I asked myself that if I died today what ideas, what gifts, what talents, what unfinished works would die together with me. The answer shocked me… I saw the path of far too many ideas unfulfilled, of far too many gifts and talents unused, of far too many of my own works incomplete and unseen. I could not allow this, I had to get moving, but first I had to get out of my own way. For some time suddenly I got frightened of my own light. Yes, my own light frightened me. And that had to change.
Eventually I accepted that I was my own disappointment. I was the person who allowed the outer world to condition me and to make me feel small. I allowed this belief into my thinking which grew like a deep hidden cancer that got noticed only once it has reached the stage four where you become numb and ready for the silent death. I was not ready for such surrender. My inner voice was not ready for sure. So I had to lift my head, open my eyes and look straight into the face of the person looking at me from the mirror. I had to become honest with myself. I clearly knew it was not how I wanted my life to continue, I could not continue living in denial and carry on with life knowing what a lie I was to myself. I looked into the eyes of the person looking at me in the mirror and spoke gently to her. I asked her to forgive me for ever neglecting her calling and for getting scared of her own light, her own purpose, her own strength, her divine gifts. I asked her to have a good night sleep and when morning comes to wake up with a new vigour and enjoyment of life. She listened. But before then, she sat down, opened her laptop, opened her mind and allowed the whirl of thoughts to spill through the edges of the glass onto the piece of paper. You are reading those words now. You see, she felt alive the most whenever she lived her purpose, whenever she expressed herself, whenever she was giving herself to the world. She got inspired and the new her could not wait until the morning. She felt the need to share her thoughts with you here and now, because what if tomorrow would never come and you would never get to read her thoughts again? She sat and spoke to you with whole honesty, hope knocked on her soul’s door. The door opened and the new her emerged back into the world, just this time more alive, freer, happier and wiser.
Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2015
All Rights Reserved