Deserve your Self first

in-love“Hm, interesting move. Truly interesting, I must say!”

“No need to be so sarcastic,” she sounded hurt.

“No need to be hurt, my darling,” her other self replied. “I am you. You are me. You are my joys, I am your pain. I am your joy and you are my pain. I am everything.”

She stood still facing a mirror. She was speechless. Her head felt empty, her heart was full of sadness mixed with confusion and hurt. Nonetheless, her face looked stone-cold. She stood there gazing at herself in the mirror while her other self ironically spoke to her:

“You truly know how to surprise me. Actually, I am not surprised at all, just quite entertained. It is never boring to be you, I must admit.”

She didn’t speak. After all that she did and the things she was warned about she yet dared to ignore in hopes that this time things might be different, as if a human nature ever changes. Only the wise and brave ones dare to take a plunge and come out from the crowd, only such ones dare to be different. She was not that brave. She was smart but at times too afraid to apply her knowledge in the real life.

“You pushed yourself upon him! You begged to be loved, to be noticed, to be respected! How can you expect anyone to respect you, if you do not respect yourself? How can you expect anyone to love you, if you do not love and appreciate yourself? You beat that little girl inside of you for speaking her truth, for being too loud, for expecting your love and courage, and yet you keep ignoring that silent voice in you! You crave for that little drop of love from the outer world as if the outer world was truly interested, and so you go to unimaginable lengths to get it, even if that means turning away from yourself. Is that love? Is that what you think you deserve?”

She shivered whenever touched by the thought that he won’t be in her life any longer. It was not what she wanted but she also did not want to be taken for granted or taken advantage of any more. Yes, in her own ways she begged to be loved, to be noticed, to be respected, and all this was done in fear. She even feared herself, her own inner power and strength, that little loud voice that kept reminding her how deserving of good she was. Whenever she listened to that voice, she showed her power; whenever she doubted, she succumbed to her fears.

“Love does not need to be asked for. Love either happens naturally or not. Anything else beyond that is not love, never was and never will be,” her other self spoke tenderly. “I care about you, otherwise I would not spend my energy or, in other words, your energy trying to remind you about the simplest truths.”

She couldn’t agree more. The more she listened to her other self speaking, the better she understood what it was that she really wanted, and courage thrived, however, unfortunately, never for long. There always comes the time when the inner-voice becomes silent and then another one appears that is ruled by fear made of useless thoughts and chaotic waves of emotions strong in their argument and conviction.

She opened her mouth to speak: “There are stories that we keep telling to ourselves every day. What if those stories are not real? What if they are untrue? What’s then? But again what if they are true? Then, are we not living in the real hell made of our own created temporary joys and aches?”

“Good pondering!” her other self replied. “Sometimes you are capable of being wiser than me, I must admit.”

“No need to be so ironic!” she raised her voice.

“No need to get hurt over the little things!”

That’s true, she possessed a bit of the stroppy character and at times she could get difficult over smallest stuff. Hence, she was not surprised if people every so often got confused not knowing what to expect from her.

“Stories that you tell yourself you live them, you make them real. Thoughts you think, words you say become the deeds that with an immense force become your reality. Right now your reality is self-doubt, lack of courage to choose the path which would eventually lead you to the inner-peace and happiness. Your past life experiences repeatedly proved you wrong in so many ways but due to fear you keep choosing the same path over and over again. What are you afraid of?” her other self enquired.

This time she had the answer, she knew exactly what she was afraid of. There were two things she feared the most – being abandoned and letting go. For those two reasons she kept holding on so many useless things in life that if removed would make so much space for the good and nice to come her way. Everything to her seemed as the last time, and so the new beginning often was nowhere to be seen – that’s how her mind worked, although deep down she knew it was absolute lie. She felt stuck, and deep in her soul she begged to be released from her own created prison.

“You are in a relationship with a man who gives you only drops of his love and affection whenever it is convenient to him, he hurts you with his words, he comes and goes whenever he wants, he remembers you only when he needs something from you. You know it all, you see it all and yet you are unable to let him go. You give your all, you even dedicate most of your thoughts and time to him; your health suffers because of it. You are waiting for one more kick, one more disappointment which might help you to make up your mind. How many times do you have to be kicked in your guts to make space for happiness? A loving heart would never hurt the one it loves. He does not love you, he never did and he probably never will or perhaps he will, once he loses you. He sees you are a good person, beautiful and smart, and so he hesitates to let you go, although he little cares about you. He cares about himself first, and then himself secondly and then once again about himself. You have no space on his priority list. He knows he will find you whenever, and so he allows himself a luxury of taking you for granted. Is that what you want and need, my darling? Is that what you deserve?”

“I know I deserve much more,” she replied.

“The worst thing is you allow it all because you are afraid of being abandoned.”

She stayed quiet.

“Another sad thing is, you admit it and yet you continue walking on the same path. Pure nonsense! You tend to take all the blame as if it is your fault only. You must understand – there are two people in relationship and not one.  At times nice beginnings do turn into sore wounds but it does not mean you have to take the blame. Daring to stand up for the right to be treated well is not a wrong doing, darling. It would be wrong for the same thing to allow repeating itself over and over again.”

She listened to what her other side had to say. She felt it, she saw it, she heard it, she lived it. Every word spoken pierced through her whole being.

“When you keep saying yes to others out of fear of being rejected or abandoned, you open the door to being taken for granted and taken advantage of. But when you eventually stand up and dare to say no, they look at you in horror and say – you have changed, I can’t recognise you. That’s when all you must do is stay true to yourself, because the truth is you haven’t changed, you simply had enough of being treated like a doormat.”

With every word she heard her other self speaking to her she felt how her inner confidence was waking up from the deep winter sleep and stretching its hands into the living. She felt encouraged. She remembered who she was and sought to be and she knew she was worthy of love, of the real thing whatever that real thing was. She just knew she wished for love…

“Love is all we ever crave and wish for. Often love is the only thing making us move forward, helping us to breathe, keeping us alive, while if there is the absence of the loved ones, we would let go faster and easier,” she spoke.

“Yes. If you look at the bigger picture, physically he was always present in your life, but emotionally long gone if ever present. This was his choice which must be respected in knowing that you are and were the only one making choices for your own life. Now tell me please after all this pondering, do you still want this man in your life?”

She reflected on the thought for a moment and then firmly replied: “No.”

“Then go and live your life. There is nothing for you to be afraid of, nothing to lose in terms of human matters. There is something more important than it all – you and your precious few moments of life.”

She silently nodded in agreement.

“You become silent when you are no longer able to bear the pain moving in the vortex inside of you. You made your life a pure misery. You stopped living your life, your purpose. You blamed yourself for the mistakes made that actually were never mistakes; you cried in fear of never being able to hug him, to kiss him, to share fun moments with him; you cried in fear of losing the memories that you both have created since beginning. You begged to be heard, to be seen, to be noticed, to be remembered, to be loved. You pushed yourself upon him. And he never saw you, never felt you, never was there for you, never loved you.  Darling, you want to know what the real love is, fall in love with your self first. Deserve your self. Deserve every inch of your self first! Be patient. The true one will come… You will meet somewhere in the middle.”

Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2014
All Rights Reserved

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