“Do you love me?” She asked.
“Yes.” He answered.
“So why did you insisted on separation if your heart yielded love?” She asked.
“I listened to my mind, to past experiences, to the projections I have created over time about how my life or you should be.”
“Are you happy?” She asked again.
“I will be,” he insisted. “Why do you insist on holding on to this love for me and not letting go?” He wondered.
“Because I cannot do otherwise. I am not ready yet.”
“Yes, you can.” He spoke firmly.
“No, I cannot. I am one of those people who listens to their heart. When I listen to my heart all logic of the mind loses its power.”
A pin-drop silence fell between two of them. A moment later she continued. Her head faced down and he hardly could hear her whisper.
“But… I am tired of struggling to let go of the love I feel for you. That’s it, I give up. I will not struggle any longer. If you are meant to be in my life now and here, even if just in my heart and thoughts, then so be it. I will allow it to be. It shall leave me whenever it is ready.”
“Let it go, you will feel better,” he asked softly. There was a desperation felt in his voice and even him was not sure if he wanted to let go of her. Some time ago he thought that if he goes away, some day the longing will disappear and love will change its direction. He will meet someone new, she will meet someone new, and everything will be forgotten. But by now already months passed, and yet he did not meet anyone new that would take his breath away, and neither her. Even their love seemed not to change its course.
“It is easy for you to say,” she replied with deep sadness felt in her melodic voice. “Go and talk to my heart that got deaf and blind to my pleas, to the pleas of others, even to the pleas of life itself.” Tears like huge rain drops started rolling down her cheeks.
Seeing her crying made him feel even worse.
“I am sorry…” he whispered, and gently embraced her. “I am so sorry, my love.”
A hardly visible soft smile appeared on her face.
“No need to be sorry. I have no regrets. I feel grateful for the love that was given to me, even if just for one brief moment. How can one be sorry for ever loving? This love showed me the depths of my soul. This love taught me how to appreciate every moment as a priceless treasure. This love told me the story of impossible becoming possible and how, no matter all the obstacles, incredible things can be accomplished. This love became my air, my water, my food, my breath, my life source, my well. This love unveiled the hidden truths inside my heart. How could I ever be sorry?” She signed in gratitude.
And then he spoke: “I haven’t forgotten you. I could not. I tried, I must admit. I went out and met other girls, I flirted with them, took them home, touched their hair and young soft bodies, kissed their lips, but…but none of them took my breath away, none of them inspired me to go over the heals, to walk that extra mile; none of them was as special as you. I am sorry, my love, that I hurt you, that I hurt us…”
“You gave up too soon. You chose to give up on love, on what it was there yet to come and to be. You got scared of the difficulties we faced, even though you knew that everything was temporary and even the worst situations always pass away and change its course. All you needed was just a bit more patience…”
There was nothing else he could add to her words. Yes, she was right, he gave up too soon. He gave up too soon! Knowing this made his heart ache. He fell into regret, and the only thing, which could have saved him at that very moment, would have been her harshness and hatred towards him. But…but again he underestimated the love of a woman once he thought of spending his whole life with. Her love stayed faithful to itself, as it refused to betray the truths and whispers of her heart. To tell the truth, he never stopped loving her, actually now he treasured her more than ever before like a priceless diamond. But did he deserve to hold this diamond once more in his hands after all this time and many women that he kissed and touched? Can he dare to expect forgiveness and ask for one more chance? Would she trust him? Would she open up to him as she did some time ago? Would she still dare to show what is in her heart? Would she? These and other questions ran chaotically in his mind. He tightly held her in his embrace refusing to let go. The thought of losing her once more seemed unbearable to him. How could he give up on this priceless treasure? How dared he? What a mad man he was! What a fool!
She allowed herself to melt in his hands…once again. She knew she was risking in reopening the wounds that took so long to heal. But…but she missed his embrace so much, and all that mattered was that moment and that moment alone. She did not care about the next minute or tomorrow. She just surrendered and merged with love itself. Once more. Once more.
If you just knew – she thought to herself – how grateful I am for this profound moment. If you just knew how precious it is to me. If you just knew how much it means to me. If you just knew…you would never let me go.
And then suddenly she realised, what if he asks her back? What if? Does she want to dip into the same river and try to catch the flow? Does she want to try to glue a broken glass together? Can she? Does she? And there she discovered her answer… Illusion disappeared, pain merged with the past and erased itself from the present. She understood she did not want to go back. She desired to move on. She held herself back for far too long. Now she wanted to live, to truly live her life and rejoice in each and every moment. She understood she was a free bird who clipped her own wings so to hold herself back and swam in self inflicted sorrow. Suddenly she knew she did not want that any longer. She desired to fly away… and so she freed herself from his embrace, then gently took his face into her loving hands and softly pressed her lips to his. She knew it was the last time she ever kissed him…and that was ok.
“Goodbye, my Love. It is time to say goodbye…” she whispered.
He could not believe what he was hearing. Suddenly he grabbed her into his hands and again she freed herself.
“For as long as I waited for you to come back, you never came. For as long as I created space for you in my life, you never needed it. For as long as I was available for you, you never wanted me. For as long as I showed you my wounds and vulnerability, you felt appalled by it and kept telling me it was my responsibility and my choice. For as long as I could not detach myself, I suffered, and heartache became my daily companion. For as long as I waited, the door never swung open, as you never entered through them. But the moment I surrendered to life and gave up all the struggle, you appeared in my life…again. After all I went through, only now…only now you re-appeared in my life.”
Tears appeared in his eyes. “I know, I made mistakes, I played with the wrong card. I was greedy. I wanted what I did not have, instead of appreciating what I already had. I had you and I neglected you, I neglected our love. I took you for granted.”
She kept her silence.
“My love, I was wrong,” he continued. “I was a fool, a mad man! I dare to ask you for one more chance. Please…”
And then she spoke slowly putting her words together…
“I love you, but I do not trust you. I love you, but I would rather keep the memories we created, including this day, and not the once we might create because… I do not believe that the broken glass can be glued and survive a future storms. I do not believe that it is possible to catch the flow of the river that passed-by a long time ago. I do not believe that someday you will not come to me and say that you need more space again, as my presence and love suffocates you. I do not believe…your truth any longer. I want to stay in those past memories, where my presence was never enough for you, where my love was your source of life, where I was everything to you, where I was never wrong in your eyes, where the grace and love penetrated our togetherness, where I always had space in your heart, in your thoughts, in your day, where I was your queen – your only queen.”
~Jolita Kelias
Copyright © Jolita Kelias 2013
All Rights Reserved
“To Love” is a gift from God which we experience only when we are willing to give it away to others, fully, completely, without strings or conditions, void of expectation. For them to do with it what they will, based on who they are, where they have been, and where they think they are going. Without passing judgement on them for their decision or actions. But smiling a warm, contented smile of knowing… that you felt true Love and gave it freely to one who mattered so very much to you.